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Flaming
Sambuca.
A product of the challenging
epidemic of Singe drinking, your ruling element is
fire, essentially because your drink is
actually...
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Mullet
Unfortunately you will die in a freak accident whilst dancing to
Europe’s ‘The final countdown’ in a Croydon nightclub this New
Years eve. The cause of death is...
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 Dog.
This month, according to my Zodianimal charts, romance
is on the cards for pooches. In the park you encounter a bitch on
heat whose booty you give a sexy sniff which makes your lipstick
come out a bit. You then come across an abandoned Kebab and dump
her for it. Eating that makes you sick, which you then...
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SAGITTARIUS.
Retrograde Mercury precipitates a tricuspal preconjunction with
Saturn in the bowel of Aries which categorically suggests Santa
does not exist. Yeah kids, the heavens have spoken. Incinerate the
presents and bin the dinner. Your stinging tears may just subside
in time for Easter but immutable Mars reliably informs me that
Jesus never existed either so forget about all the sweet filled
choccy eggs too.
SCORPIO.
Planetry...
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AQUARIUS.
A problematic month for you Aquarios ‘living-wise’ as on the
14th you are going to die. It is of course seemingly
impossible for the planets to impart to me the grisly details of
your individual death across the massive expanses of the
Lunarsphere as if they were collectively some kind of 6,000,000,000
miles wide conscious omnipotent being, however, that’s the bare
arsed fact of it. I have indeed directly gleaned the following from
Cosmostrological...
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AQUARIUS.
This is the dawning of the age of austerity but frugal Saturn’s
saved up 61 moons in its collection. So therefore it stands to
reason that there are favourable money aspects this month for you
Aquariuses. Go to Sainsburys with a large lump hammer from
B+Q (12.99) Here’s the idea: Smash all the pound coins out of all
the trolleys. Here’s the deal: There are 97 of them so a profit of
£85 +1p is yours for the taking. Go directly to Wetherspoons, drink
cheap booze and...
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SAGITTARIUS.
The suns magnetic field is twisted around inside it as it spins.
This is how you Sags feel this valentine month as you fall in love.
But this magnetic field rises up from below the sun's surface and
bursts through, creating sunspots. This also happens with you this
month but they are just called spots. So forget it. Don’t waste
your money on cards, flowers and expensive dinners. Sit at home
with a couple of magnets in your ears. These will help to warp your
cranial...
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CAPRICORN.
This month the Solar System may have to loosen it’s Asteroid
Belt after absorbing too much Christmas energy from the Earths
festivities. For lucky Capricorns the Luna eclipse falls in your
Birthday sign. This means that In the coming year the stars will
enable you to lose weight, get fit, stop smoking, plan holidays and
DIY projects and get a new job plus new car, pets, carpets and
husband/wife/civil partner.
SAGITTARIUS.
Aspects of Mercury suggest that...
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